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How to Author a Worthless Blog Comment

worthless blog commentsBlog comments are a great tool for expanding brand awareness (personal or business) and generating a little traffic back to your website. I get a not insignificant amount of referral traffic from comments I leave on blog posts. In fact, I’ve resolved to spend more time commenting because those numbers continue to tick upward – not to mention that I’ve acquired two customers as a direct result of them reading one of my comments.

But naturally, your comment should add value and stand out from the others. Here’s the good news: Most comments are so dull that it’s reasonably easy stand out. In fact, I’ve read so many blog comments now that I am almost at the point where I could generate them algorithmically. And so I proudly present to you my patent-pending formula for the lazy to author worthless blog comments.

Step One: Flattery

OK, many of you will say that it’s simply good manners to compliment the author. I don’t disagree. But in order to insure that your comment will be completely worthless, you must use the following traditional opening statement:

[superlative] post, Jon!

Acceptable superlatives include vanilla words like “great” and “excellent.” Of course, many commenters attempt to break the chains of mediocrity by using “awesome,” but you can use this at your own risk. And it probably goes without saying that additional exclamation marks are highly encouraged. I’m sure Dan Zarella has measured their effect on retweet rates, but for our purposes I think it’s safe to assume they don’t put your comment’s worthlessness at risk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Step Two: Restate the Insight

Once the flattery is out of the way, the next task is to say what the author has already said. “Where’s the value in that?” you might ask. The answer, of course, is “None!” That’s our whole objective in this exercise is to make sure we seek attention without adding any value whatsoever. Some preferred formats include:

Your observation that [author’s insightful idea] is spot-on!

When using this version of the restatement, be sure to add plenty of exclamation marks!!!!

I could not agree more with your assertion that [author’s insightful idea].

This one is particularly clever because it obviously puts you on the same intelectual level with the author.

I am constantly telling my clients that [author’s insightful idea].

Use this format with caution! It is the double-dog-dare escalation of the previous restatement because it proves that you had the idea first.

Of course, there are countless versions of this technique you can use. The trick is to maintain the balancing act between blatantly re-quoting the author’s idea and providing your own thoughts – neither of which are advisable. It’s downright rude to just waste everyone’s time by repeating the words in the post. And by introducing critical thinking you will abandon any hope of authoring a worthless comment.

Step Three: Restate the Problem

This is where we separate the men from the boys. It’s hard to restate a restatement without violating the re-quoting/original thought balance. Luckily, there is a formula you can follow. Most well-written blog posts will follow a general pattern of identifying a problem and then offering one or more solutions. If you’ve completed step two properly, then you’ve likely restated the solution. In step three, all you need to do now is restate the problem:

Kudos for taking on [problem identified by author].

[Problem identified by author] is a huge problem in the market today and needs to be fixed.

Important note: It is poor form to use exclamation marks here. They have a tendency to deemphasize the importance of the insight and the reader could confuse it with the weight of the problem itself. If you feel compelled to use them here, I strongly advise that you remove them from the first restatement.

Step Four: Double-Down on Flattery

If your opening salvo is your only attempt at flattery, it may be mistaken for simple politeness. You don’t want to risk that, so make sure that you kick it up a notch and firmly plant your nose up the author’s Akismet:

You made it so simple to understand. Keep up the good work!

It’s perfectly acceptable to both compliment the author and also encourage them to soldier on. You’re free to be as creative as you want with this step, as complimenting the author does not in any way put your comment’s worthlessness at risk.

Bonus: Promote Unrelated Crap

This is a bonus tip and you use it at your own risk. Many commenters will share links to blog posts that either expand upon or even contradict the author’s insight. But be aware that this is worthwhile! If you really want your comment to be worthless, be sure that you’re promoting something completely unrelated:

I’ve found this list of “Make Money from Home” articles particularly helpful for [solving world peace].

Conclusion

Let’s see if we can put this template to use and develop a perfectly worthless blog comment for this article. I might suggest something like this:

Great article, Jon! Having a template for writing worthless blog comments will really come in handy!!!! Every once in a blue moon, I read an insightful blog comment and wish someone would provide us with an easy to follow blueprint for worthless ones. And now you’ve answered my prayers! Thanks so much and I can’t wait to read your next post. By the way, please feel free to download my free eBook about how to overcome triskaidekaphobia here: xxxx

Feel free to leave your worthless comments below…

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  • Roy Kok

    That is an excellent post Jon. I was going to write the same thing last week, but didn’t get around to it. I’m glad you summarized the points so well!!!!! :)

  • Thanks for making me fall off my chair this morning, almost rolling on the floor. I can think of a dozen ways to have fun tweeting this post; just dished out one. ;-O

  • Glad you pointed out how worthless comments are such a menace.

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  • This is a Great Post JOn… !!!!!!
    I agree with every bit that has been written, I have been reading a lot comments and one way or the other they eventually lead to an unrelated post Like this one http://goo.gl/PahT3.

    (how did i do?? :P)

    • Well done, Linda. Good use of exclamation marks!!!

      • Linda Devies

        Thank you soo much :D

  • This is Awesome ! That is all…. No really quite funny Jon, well done. Insert link to me site —> here !

  • Jon,

    After reading this, I desperately wanted to cut and paste all your examples to craft my comment but I didn’t want to be redundant. Thanks so much for the chuckle, even if it is grounded in reality.

    Best,
    Rich